


Forget Me Not

by AuthorChristina



Series: By Now [3]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes takes a trip down memory lane, M/M, Memories, POV Bucky Barnes, Stucky - Freeform, steve rogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 11:18:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15193640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuthorChristina/pseuds/AuthorChristina
Summary: Bucky takes a trip down memory lane as he gets used to his new apartment and living on his own.





	Forget Me Not

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry for the wait! Here's the next part! I'm uploading this on mobile so my apologies if there are any mistakes!

When Bucky left Head Quarters he went back to Brooklyn. 

It was the one place that Steve wouldn’t look for a while. That is, if Steve would come looking for him. The last time Bucky had left and wanted to hide he’d gone as far as he could, chosen a random town in a country he’d never been too. Then it had taken Steve two years to find him and even then he had only been found because of the crap that had gone down.

This time he chose to go home. Of course, Brooklyn wasn’t anything like he remembered but some of the buildings were the same and the streets were the same.  Bucky felt comfortable there. He could live there. 

Sam had helped him talk to Stark and get his permission to leave on the grounds that Bucky would stay in a Stark apartment equip with the best security measures. He also had to check in weekly with Stark and Wilson. He couldn’t disable FRIDAY and he had to have a phone on him that had the GPS enabled so he could be tracked. He made Stark give him a new one because he didn’t want to keep anything that would allow Steve to get ahold of him, at least not right now.

Stark and Sam both had the number so when Bucky wanted to talk to Steve again, one of them would be able to tell Steve the number. 

It didn’t take Bucky long to settle in his new apartment. He didn’t have much stuff to unpack; just some clothes and a couple of other personal items.

Bucky sat down on the couch and looked around. It was so quiet. He wasn’t used to it. At HQ there was always some type of noise because there were so many people around.

“FRIDAY can you turn on the TV?” Bucky asked.

“What would you like to watch sir?” FIRDAY asked.

“Um… I don’t care. Just put on some random movie.” Bucky said.

FRIDAY did as he asked. The noise helped to calm his nerves a bit but didn’t make him feel any less lonely. He sighed and laid down onto the couch, curling up into himself.

He hated the empty feeling he was left with. Leaving Steve, no matter how hard it was to do, was the right thing to do. It didn’t matter that it hurt. He deserved better then to be hidden away like a secret, even Sam agreed with him and Sam never agrees with him about anything.

Bucky closed his eyes, thinking that sleep would do him some good but instead of going to sleep his mind assaulted him with memories of him and Steve. Since Shuri fixed his brain it was easier to remember things that he had forgotten when he was the Winter Solider.

He could have forced himself to get up and be productive but instead deiced to take a trip down memory lane.

~

_ May 1934 _

Bucky was 16 when he realized he was in love with Steve.

Bucky had saved up enough money to take him and Steve to a baseball game. They weren’t able to do it often but Bucky tried to treat Steve to something at least once a month. Poor Steve wasn’t able to do much because of how sick he was and if he did manage to get a job most of the money he made went to his mom to help her around the house.

So, Bucky would make a point to treat Steve to fun things whether that be a movie, going to the fair, or a baseball game. This month it was a baseball game. It was the first of the season so it was even more special.

Bucky had managed to get them somewhat good seats so that Steve didn’t have to have to climb a bunch of stairs and risk an asthma attack.

It was while they were watching the game that Bucky realized his feelings for Steve ran deeper than friendship. 

Bucky was watching Steve as he talked and laughed about something that had happened. Bucky wasn’t paying attention to the game much, mostly to how animated Steve was as he was watching the game go on.

Steve’s smile was practically bright this afternoon and the way the sun was shining made it seem like Steve was glowing. Everything about him was beautiful. It hit Bucky suddenly that he was in love with the punk.

It didn’t even shock him. He knew he should have been weirded out or should have minded that he was attracted to a male but he wasn’t. It seemed natural, normal even.

Of course, he kept the information to himself. He couldn’t tell anyone about it. It was the 1930s and being gay was a big no-no. It would cause him to get beat up and in some serious trouble. He wouldn’t be able to do anything or get a job anywhere.

It would also potentially cost him his friendship with Steve. There was no way that Steve would feel the same way as him and Bucky couldn’t risk making Steve feel weird. He didn’t need to have anything more than a friendship with Steve. As long as he had that everything would be fine.

 

_ A short time after Steve rescued Bucky from Hydra, 1942 _

After Bucky was rescued by Captain America from the grips of Hydra and their endless torture and experiments it took him a little bit to get used to Steve not being sick. He was bigger, stronger and not sick. Not that Bucky was complaining but it was still weird.

He kind of missed his small Stevie. He was also a little pissed at him for letting a group of scientist experiment on him.

One night their hanging out before they have to go on another mission and Bucky decides to confront him. He had been drinking and was tipsy. Otherwise he wouldn’t be able to have the conversation he wanted to have.

“So, why’d you do it Stevie?” Bucky asked, taking another drink of his beer.

“Do what?” Steve asked.

“Let them experiment on you?”

Steve shrugged, “I wanted to be helpful. I couldn’t just sit back and let men go off and die without doing my part to help them out.”

“Why though? You could have stayed home and been safe.”

Steve scoffed, “Safe. That’s funny. I wasn’t safe in Brooklyn. I was sick, anything could have killed me. I got in fights all the damn time. At least now if I’m fighting it’s against the enemy.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, “Still… you were safer back home. You didn’t have to join the war.”

Steve looked at him, “Why not? You joined. Are you the only one allowed to fight? Allowed to be a hero?”

“That’s not what I meant by that. You could have stayed home and been safe. I wouldn’t have to worry about you going off and dying by some stupid Nazi.”

“I’m safer now than I ever was. At least I won’t catch some disease and die.”

“Still.”

“Bucky just drop it. I know you don’t like me being here but I am. The least you can do is be supportive and have my back.”

“I’ll always have your back Steve. Always. No matter what.”

“Then why are you so against me being a part of this? Of doing what every other man does?”

Bucky stared at his drink. He could tell Steve and then blame it on the alcohol. He could tell Steve that he loved him and wanted to keep him safe by keeping him in Brooklyn and out of harm’s way. It might not be the best solution and Steve would still be small and sick but at least people wouldn’t be shooting at him.

Bucky sighed and downed the rest of his drink.

“Just want to keep you safe Stevie.” Bucky said softly.

“I am safe Buck. I’m no longer sick and I have you to watch my back.”

Bucky nodded and smiled at him a little bit. He got up and got himself another drink. He could tell him. Tell Steve that he loved him. At least he would be able to blame it on the alcohol if Steve said he didn’t feel the same way.

“Steve… I only worry because I love you.” Bucky said, downing his drink, not wanting to see Steve’s face.

Steve was quiet for a moment before he chuckled and smiled at Bucky. “I love you too Buck. You’re my best pal, of course I love you.”

Bucky smiled a little, of course Steve would think he only meant as a friend. Bucky drank another drink before he said goodnight to Steve and went to sleep.

~

_ April 2012 _

He pulled Steve from the river, dropping him off at the edge. He looked at him once before turning and walking away. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t put Steve through the hell and drag him down with him, especially not when Bucky couldn’t remember everything.

Maybe the things he was remembering were false or not real. Maybe Hydra filled his brain with things that they wanted him to remember.

The only thing he knew for sure was that he knew Steve, possibly even loved him. Because he loved him Bucky couldn’t stay. Not until he figured stuff out. Not until he could figure out that he was finally free form Hydra and the terrible things he was made to do.

He looked back at Steve one more time before he left. He ditched his uniform and got different clothes that would help him blend in.  The one good thing about Hydra was that he knew how to blend in, how to get to the places that he needed to be. He knew how to get money and passports and fly under the radar.

It took him a couple of days but he eventually had new cloths, a new identity, some money, and a passport. He looked at a map and decided to go to Romania, a place no one would probably ever look for him. Or at least it would take them a lot longer for them to find him with him being across the world.

He hated leaving Steve again after just finding him but without knowing which of his memories were real or false he couldn’t trust himself or anyone else. Not right now. He needed time to remember and figure out who he was.

Until then he needed to stay away from Steve.

~  

When Bucky finally came back to reality the sun had set and a different show was playing. He had tears running down his cheeks, tears he didn’t realize had started falling.

He sat up and rubbed his face with his right hand. It had been a while since he’d lived alone. It hadn’t even been a full day and Bucky was already missing Steve dearly.

However, he knew he had made the right choice. He had done what was right for him and even though it hurt he knew he couldn’t just go back to Steve.

He knew Steve probably had found the note and what he had said. Bucky had meant it too. If he couldn’t be more than a secret for Steve to keep then they couldn’t be together. Of course, they would still be friends, Bucky wasn’t going to let anything destroy the friendship they had. The friendship they had was important to Bucky. It might take a little bit for them to get back to how they were when they were just friends but they would manage. 

Bucky had gone a long time with just being Steve’s friends and hiding his feelings, he could do it again if he had to.

But he couldn’t and wouldn’t go back to Steve unless he knew that Steve was serious about them. He needed to know that Steve loved him enough to not hide him anymore. Bucky wasn’t a secret to be kept, he was a person with feelings and emotions. If Steve couldn’t see that then they couldn’t be together. 

**Author's Note:**

> So? What do you think? Next part will be from Steve's POV.


End file.
